he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
