when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
