I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
