apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
