my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
