Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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