doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
