Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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