i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
