If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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