I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
