Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
