twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
