...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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