the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
