Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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