Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
