i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
