I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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