I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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