Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
