You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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