i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
