ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
