I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
