My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
