I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
