Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Randomize
