Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am naked and annoyed.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
