If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
