Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We need to get me chipped asap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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