I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
