He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
