pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
