the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Can you repeat that, but with context?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
