My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
