I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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