I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
