i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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