just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
