Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
