I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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