I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
