Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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