i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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