i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
