Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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