How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
