I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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