It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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